Almost two years ago I was interviewing individuals for several open positions we had at my organization. I interviewed one young lady who was 22 years old, had a young daughter, and was a breast cancer survivor. She did an excellent job answering questions, but when I asked her to tell me what strengths she would bring to the position, she could not think of one. Not. One. I was in shock and a little upset that she couldn’t think of one thing about herself that she considered a strength. In just the short amount of time, I talked to her, I could name several immediately. As I proceeded to name the strengths I saw in her, I encouraged her to stand in her strength and own it. She began to cry and told me no one had ever said that to her. Not only had no one told her one positive thing about herself, but SHE didn’t see any positive things about herself. Was it because no one had told her? But even if no one ever tells us, shouldn’t we be able to name something good about ourselves?
I love the singer P!nk. I love everything about her – her voice, her songs, her short hair…I could go on and on. In March 2018, one of my best friends and I drove to Wichita, Kansas to see P!nk in concert. It was one of, if not, the best concert I’ve ever attended. Besides P!nk’s music, I also love her positive and strong energy. I love her so much I even follow her on Twitter. She recently had a birthday and to honor her 41 years on earth, she decided it was a great time for everyone to take stock of what they love about themselves. She issued a challenge to all of her followers: however old you are, she wants you to write down the many things that you love about yourself. She said she was going to do it too and even told us a few of hers. I have to admit, I was intrigued. I can come up with a list a mile long to describe what I love about the people in my life. And I can do it quickly. But me? Can I think of 52 things that I love about myself? Are there even 52 things to love about me?
I decided to give it a shot. After all, I love P!nk and I’m up for a good challenge. I took my journal and numbered a page to 52. Wow, that’s a lot! But I was feeling pretty positive and thought, I can do this! Hey, that was one already! I am a positive person. I started writing and thought of 17 things pretty quickly. Then I got stuck. I stopped and really thought about myself and came up with a few more – I got to 21, then got stuck again. Why is this so hard? Surely there are 52 things to love about myself.
When I was younger, I was so critical of myself. My eyes are too droopy, my thighs are too big, and my personality is too intense. Who am I kidding? I’m still overly critical of myself. I think the difference is that in my older age, I can also recognize positive attributes that have helped me through the journey of life. But we are not reminded of those positive attributes often enough. Life tends to point out the negative about ourselves. Commercials about losing weight, coloring hair, getting rid of wrinkles, and magazines showing beautiful women with flawless skin and straight, white teeth. And although I know those pictures are photo-shopped, the women all seem to have a beauty that I have never seen in myself.
Remember Yearbook Day in high school? The day you would receive your yearbook and we would carry it around all day so all of our friends and fellow classmates could write that very special message just for us? I loved reading those messages. Yes, many of them said the same thing like “It was great having Calculus class with you” or “We HAVE to get together this summer”. But there were always a few really personal messages too. Some from our favorite teachers and others from people we would never expect that said things like, “I always loved seeing your beautiful smile”, or “You’re a great leader that will do great things”. I would re-read those comments over and over. It always amazed me that someone noticed my smile. Were they saying it to be nice or was there really something special about my smile?
How ironic is it that reading nice things said about you, or hearing people say nice things about you is actually a little flawed? As great as it is to hear those compliments, it should not take other people’s opinions about us for us to see the beauty and strength in ourselves. If we follow that logic, then we would also have to believe everything bad someone says about us too. And the sad thing is…we do. We tend to place so much value on what others think about us that we have failed to see our own strengths – we don’t even look for them. I would argue that without seeing the positive attributes in yourself and loving yourself, it will be hard to have an authentic relationship with anyone else. Loving yourself is the foundation for the amount of love you can give someone else.
It pains me to say it now, but when I was younger, I stayed in relationships because I believed it was all I deserved, or that I couldn’t do better. I thought because I was overweight and not the prettiest girl with an intense personality, that I should accept anyone who was interested in me. After all, if he could be interested in me, he couldn’t be that bad, right? So, ultimately, I accepted being treated less than others. I believed I was less than them, so it was easy to accept that behavior toward me. But what was equally harmful, I couldn’t give him all he deserved because I wasn’t my true, authentic self. If I could not love myself fully, how could I love someone else fully?
Unfortunately, it took me some years to realize that I deserved more. It is a process and it begins with forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes, poor decisions, and ordering French fries instead of broccoli. You will know you have truly forgiven yourself when you can finally see that those past mistakes and poor decisions made you stronger, more adept, and smarter. And instead of cursing that time of your life, you will be thankful for the journey.
The next step is realizing that you add value – right now and always. Your thoughts, opinions, and voice are important, and others need to hear it. What you have to say matters. One of my favorite quotes is by Marianne Williamson, which says in part, “…There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you…We are all meant to shine…”. And lastly, remember you are beautiful – droopy eyes, big thighs and all. God is the creator of all things beautiful and He created you. Don’t let some magazine cover girl define beauty. Beauty resides in the kindness of a heart, the softness of a touch, and the strength of our armor. I made it to number 30 in my self-love challenge. Only 22 more to go. And I will get there. Now, I challenge you.