When I was a little girl, my siblings and I would have arguments as most siblings do from time to time. Most were harmless and simple, allowing us to forgive and forget quickly. However, there were times when one’s feelings would be so hurt that we wouldn’t talk to each other for a long period of time. My mother hated when we didn’t talk to each other. I remember one time after a big argument with my sisters, none of us were talking to each other and my mother called us all in the room together and proceeded to give us a long lecture about family, siblings, and how it’s the most important relationship you will have and how they will always be there when everyone else leaves. Then she ended with a doozy – how would we feel if something happened to your sibling when you weren’t talking and the last thing they knew was this argument? It was kind of a low blow, but it worked. From that day on, we never stopped talking to each other.
The sibling bond, long ignored by researchers, is now thought to be the most important in our lives. No other peer relationship involves shared upbringing, shared genes, and shared secrets (The Guardian, 2009). Jeffrey Kluger even had a TED Talk about sibling bonds where he said, “No relationship affects us more profoundly”. But families and relationships are complex. Research has found that there are true distinctions between birth order. Add to that each child having a perceived identity – the athlete, the pretty one, the smart one, etc. – and finding the right place within the family core can be a lifelong struggle.
My oldest sister was a great basketball player. She began playing in leagues beginning in third grade and ended with a college scholarship. She had a true talent and she worked hard playing in AAU leagues every summer and broke scoring records in high school. My mother was always a sports fanatic, so having a daughter like my sister made her very proud. She went to every game through high school, home and away, in all my sister’s years of playing. As her younger sister, for a period of time, I believed I had to be just like her in order to get my mother’s attention. So, when I was in the eighth grade, I decided to play basketball. I remember the basketball coach being so excited that I was going to play, automatically assuming that since my sister was a great basketball player, I would be one too. It’s comical now thinking back to the coach’s face the first time he saw me play. I will never forget the shocked look in his eyes when I got out on the court. Suffice it to say, basketball talent did not run in the family.
Mistakenly, because my mother never missed one of my sister’s basketball games, I thought she was the favorite. After all, my mother barely attended any of the extra-curricular things I did growing up, which was hurtful to me. However, I remember asking my mother about it years later when I was a young adult. I shared with her my feelings and asked if my oldest sister was her favorite. She said that she didn’t have a favorite, that each child has their own personality and unique gifts and she connects with each of us through those gifts. Since my sister shared her love of sports, she connected with her in that area. For me, it was a different gift as with my other siblings. My mother’s response resonated with me then and even more as I’ve gotten older. I love all of my siblings equally, but I connect with each of them differently and may reach out to one instead of the other when I am in need of advice in a certain area.
As much as we may struggle to find our place in the family when we are young if we’re lucky, there are many more moments of pure joy in having siblings who are our partners in crime. Our relationship with our siblings when we are young, provides us a “road test” to life before we get out in life on our own. We learn how to communicate. We are introduced to sharing well before kindergarten. We learn how to resolve conflict. We keep each other’s secrets and stand up for each other if someone has the audacity to talk about them or hurt them. We learn about loyalty, trust, and forgiveness.
But because families are complex and life can be messy, sometimes those sibling relationships become severed in adulthood. At times, life takes us in different directions. We may live in different states, making it difficult to spend time together. We begin to have families of our own and our time becomes limited as we expand to include our spouse’s family. Or someone may say or do something, and all those childhood dynamics and insecurities reappear, and we can’t seem to find our way back. And it’s so easy, right? So easy to only see that sibling once or twice per year on a holiday. It’s so easy to forget the childhood memories of you playing together, laughing, and sharing secrets. It’s so easy to forget those family vacations and road trips that were so much fun that you told stories about them years later. It’s so easy to forget when it was you and your siblings against Mom and Dad.
However, what I would argue is that it shouldn’t be easy. That one day, sooner than you will want, you will look up into the tear-filled eyes of your siblings as you bury a parent and realize this core group of you and your siblings is all that is left of your childhood. And that is if you are lucky. Because as outrageous as my mother’s speech was all those years ago, children do die. I have cousins who had siblings die before they reached adulthood. And I know people who’ve had siblings die early into adulthood. All any of them want is more time. And even if you’ve had many years with your siblings, it’s gut-wrenching when one of them dies. I’ll always remember the grief and sadness of my aunts when my mother died. As much as they were there for us, her children, I couldn’t help but notice how much pain seemed to exude from their pores. I kept thinking that as much as I was hurting, they must be hurting even more. They have had so many more years of memories. For so long they were a core group, traveling together and raising families together, and now one in the core is gone forever. The core will never be the same again.
I have been blessed to have maintained a great relationship with my siblings in childhood and adulthood. It’s due in part because of our mother who ensured we knew the value of family and having siblings, and who nurtured our relationships at a young age by traveling together, doing activities together, and communicating with each other at all times. But it was up to us to continue that relationship as adults. We had to choose to vacation together, call each other weekly, and visit each other throughout the year and not just on holidays. My oldest sister teaching me how to tell time, sharing a bedroom with my middle sister, and my brother’s willingness to go to the elementary school and beat up the boy who called me a bad name, created the foundation for our relationship today. A relationship where my oldest sister goes to the store to get me soup and medicine when I’m sick; where my middle sister invites me over for homemade meals since I can’t/don’t cook well; and where my brother will get out late at night to help me with a mouse I had in my house. What I have come to realize is there is a unique intimacy between those who have literally known you your entire life. If that relationship is broken, fix it. If you have not been engaged with your siblings, re-engage. There is something special about sitting around the table and looking up and seeing the eyes and smiles of those with whom you’ve had the longest relationship. It feels like home.