I am horrible at small talk. When I walk into a party, I immediately find the bar. No, not for the alcohol, but so I have something to hold in my hand and I have something to do with my hands…and my mouth if I’m not talking. After I get my drink, I find a nice corner or a quiet table where no one else is sitting and immediately “hideout”. Some may call me unsociable or even boring. In my younger years, some even thought I was conceited because I wouldn’t initiate conversations and rarely smiled but meeting new people and talking about inconsequential things unnerves me. Those who know me are always shocked by this fact – when they are with me, I can’t seem to stop talking. And they are right when I am socializing with a small group of people who I know, I can be the life of the party. I’m animated and typically laugh a lot. I have come to realize that it’s not the people. I love people. I love hearing about their background and their stories. And that is my issue with small talk – there is no substance. If I walked into an event and was able to have a deep conversation with someone, I wouldn’t be so nervous. To me, people are fascinating. And whenever I have been able to get to the core of who they are, I am always surprised.
There have been many articles written about introverts versus extroverts. Some people think the difference is as simple as liking to be around people. For years, I spoke in front of hundreds of people, giving presentations on how to advocate for your child’s education. I would stand on a stage with a microphone in my hand and talk for over an hour, citing research and data and telling funny stories to make a point. After every presentation, people would walk up to me and share their own funny stories or ask more detailed questions. When I was finally finished, I would rush home and turn off my phone and just sit in silence. Because I am an introvert. Even though I can stand in front of a group of people and talk for over an hour, it is not where I draw my energy. And that’s the difference between an introvert and an extrovert – it’s about where you draw your energy. Extroverts are happiest and energized when they are around a group of people. Introverts are happiest when they are alone with their thoughts or having a deep conversation with someone one-on-one.
In my opinion, we have lost the value of deep conversations. It seems to me, with the addition of social media, has taken away our need to really know a person. We now know the superficial side only – whatever can be said in 140 characters or in a picture of our dinner, happy occasions, and pets. And I do it too – a quick blurb or quote that I hope will make someone smile. And then when some do try to use their platform to speak truth, frustration, or opinion, it is all too often met with angry vitriol and hate. When I read the comments and threads of responders, I frequently wonder if the rage spewed would still be there if only there was more time to converse with the person. We are quick to assume things about a person or even claim to know who they are and how they think after only 140 characters.
I believe we learn more by hearing someone else’s thoughts. It helps to broaden our perspectives and viewpoints. We all have different experiences, and we can learn from each other. Additionally, when we can connect with someone on a deeper level, it is much easier to have empathy and view that person in a different way. Even in disagreements, we can maintain respect when we know more about the person with whom we disagree.
I love getting to know people. Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert, but for me, there is nothing better than sitting down one-on-one or in a small group and talking about life in general, our pasts, or our hopes and dreams. So, I was intrigued when I heard that actress, Minnie Driver had a new podcast, “Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver”, where she has intimate conversations with people to “uncover larger truths about happiness, failure, love, loss and belonging”. The driver asks each guest the same seven questions and says asking simple questions about things that explore who we are deeply as people can be revealing. It allows us to learn from others. And I would take it a step further – answering the questions ourselves allows us to also learn about who we really are as well. I LOVE this idea and wish I would have come up with the podcast. The driver said that growing up, her family asked deep questions to anyone who entered their house – boyfriends, girlfriends, and other family members. No one was safe from answering deep questions.
I think after more than one year of everyone being sequestered in our homes due to a global pandemic, there is no better time than now to begin having deep conversations with each other. So, what are the questions?
- When and where were you the happiest?
- What is the quality you like least about yourself?
- What relationship (real or fictional) defines love for you?
- What person, place, or experience most altered your life?
- What would be your last meal?
- What question would you like most answered?
- In your life, can you tell me something that has grown out of a personal disaster?
I originally thought about writing a blog based on each question. But I believe these questions are best when shared intimately with someone else or even yourself. I am currently processing my answers and writing them in my journal. I think I will be surprised by what I reveal about myself. Thoughts and memories that I had buried will more than likely appear and I look forward to it. The more I know about myself, the better sister, friend, and colleague I can be for others. But what I really look forward to is learning more about others as I sneak in a question here and there and hope others do the same for me. It may be difficult – being vulnerable is risky. But intimacy is not about disclosing some big, dark secret, but saying anything that is, for you, difficult to say (Psychology Today). Just remember the deeper we go, the bigger the connection we have to each other.