This week’s blog is taken from an Advent Devotional I wrote for my church. Due to space constraints, the actual devotional was shorter in length, but still maintained the same message. For this blog, covering the second week of Advent, I decided to delve deeper into my thoughts around peace. My message stems from the following scripture:
“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15
Although my parents didn’t divorce until I was in the 4th grade, I basically grew up in a single-parent household. Even when my parents were married, my father was unengaged. He didn’t eat meals with us, he didn’t go to church with us, and he didn’t celebrate the holidays with us. My mother did a wonderful job ensuring that holidays remained filled with tradition, family, faith, and love. Regardless of what was happening in my home, there was a sense of anticipation and excitement in the air of what was to come. To this day, the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays are my favorite times of the year. Not only do I love the time spent with my immediate and extended family, but I love the wonder of the season. People tend to be more joyful, forgiving, and loving toward one another.
Have you ever wondered why God chose your parents for you? I have. Growing up there were times I wondered why I didn’t have a father who tucked me in bed at night. Why he didn’t attend school events or celebrate my birthdays with me. As a child, I never talked about my father. When talking about vacations, family events, and everyday life, I only ever mentioned my mother and siblings. And I don’t remember my friends ever asking me about him, so I wonder if they knew. I wonder if they knew I was embarrassed or picked up on my body language if asked about him, so they respected my silence. My father was an alcoholic. I don’t know if he was an alcoholic when he and my mother dated, or if he became one after marriage. It’s not something I ever talked about with my mother. My father was shy. Alcohol allowed him to come out of his shell, but never enough to make him a good father who regularly engaged with his children. Even after my parents divorced, there was no real contact. No long conversations, no outings to baseball games or dinner, and no dropping us off at college. As the grievances became more egregious and consistent, the more upset I became and unforgiving of his faults. As I reached adulthood, I decided that I didn’t need to have a relationship with him. After all, he had ignored me all my life, why should I continue to make an effort to build a relationship?
I believe we are at a time when our country is experiencing the same hurt feelings of each other. In the last four years, we have become a more divided country, picking our side and stubbornly choosing not to bend. Whatever side we’re on, we have concluded that the other side has offended us beyond repair. I actually know people who are no longer talking to family members because of political views. Social media is full of strangers going back and forth and arguing about policies, opinions, and even news stories and videos. At times, I even found myself getting more upset and frustrated with these same strangers and making assumptions about them, their lives, and their beliefs.
But the scripture reminds us that as members of one body, we are called to live in peace. But how do we live in peace with those who have hurt us or don’t agree with what we think is right? I would hazard a guess that most, if not all of us have been hurt by someone. Someone who called us a name when we were children, an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. Even a colleague or friend who said something that touched a nerve or was unknowingly a trigger for us. Sometimes the hurt is small and easily forgotten and forgiven. But sometimes the hurt is so big, it changes who you are as a person. The actions or words of a person may have made you doubt your abilities or possibly even your value and place in this world. Years of being ignored by my father affected me to my core. There was anger and distrust inside me that I didn’t realize I had until I became still. When I allowed peace to enter my soul.
One definition of peace is a state of tranquility or quiet. I find that when I am the most hurt and upset, I need to find a quiet place. Somewhere I can go to shut out the noise of the outside world and listen to my heart. A place where I can hear the word of God. During those times I realized life is interconnected – our fear, hatred, and anger decrease the peace in our lives. And just like a glass of water, the longer you hold on to it, the heavier it becomes. I had allowed the flaws of my father to drown out my security and well-being. And without peace, destructive tendencies win. In my quiet moments, I admitted to myself that I had faults and was given mercy, and yet I refused to give mercy to my father. In my life, I was shown kindness, gentleness, and patience, and yet, I would not extend those to my father. My quiet moments revealed to me that throughout the years, those who have treated me poorly and hurt me the most, have also taught me my greatest lessons and given me the confidence I don’t think I would have if not for them.
My father, who hurt me terribly, taught me the beautiful lesson of forgiveness. In my moments of peace, I realized that although he was flawed, he also brought me life. He was never shown how to be a father, so he could not be one. But where he lacked, other men in my life stepped up and became father figures to me. Something for which I am eternally grateful. I now choose to live in gratitude and love. I may not be able to control the type of father I had, but there was value in our relationship. I am now at peace with myself and content with the person I have become, flaws and all. And I am at peace with my father, loving him for who he was, flaws and all. Through His mercy, God continually reminds us to forgive, as He has forgiven us. Through His grace, He reminds us to give grace to those who have offended us. He tells us to be kind, gentle, and patient to those who may not think as we do or agree with our opinions. During this season of Advent, let us remember to take moments of peace in times of hurt and distress. Let us communicate with each other in a way that reminds us of the love that binds us all together in perfect harmony.