Almost 20 years ago my family and I went on a vacation to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. As was the custom on the first day of every trip, we reviewed all the excursions that were offered by the resort and chose which ones each of us would do. There was one excursion that boasted of a three-hour horseback ride and hike (one way) to a beautiful waterfall. The pictures looked exquisite, and I really wanted to get to that waterfall. However, I had never been on a horse before and didn’t think my first time should be on such a long, strenuous journey. My fear won out and I decided not to go. Back in our hotel room, my mother continued to pressure me to participate in the horseback riding excursion. She told me she would pay for the excursion because she really wanted me to film the journey – “imagine how beautiful the pictures and video will be”, she said. I continued to say no, feeling my heartbeat increase with just the thought of getting on that big horse. And doing it by myself was just as fearful for me. Of course, no other family member dared to even think about going with me. I don’t know if my mother knew I loved an adventure or if I could just never say no to her, but I eventually decided to do it. The day before the excursion I almost cancelled – my fear was so great. That morning I remember walking by myself with my mother’s huge smile in my mind and my heart in my stomach. I thought I was going to be sick, but I kept walking. When I walked up to that horse, he was the most beautiful animal I had ever seen…and huge! With a little help, I somehow managed to sit astride that big, beautiful horse and had the best ride of my life. We rode on paths so narrow and high up, one wrong step and we would have fallen hundreds of feet down. We rode through water streams with so many rocks I didn’t know how the horse kept from spraining an ankle. I was terrified and exhilarated all at once. Almost three hours in, we stopped and hiked the last 30 minutes. When we reached our destination, I was in awe of the beauty in front of me. It was the most sparkling waterfall I had ever seen. We were told to wear swimsuits underneath our clothing, and we were all so hot, sweaty and tired, many of us didn’t even take the time to disrobe – we just walked right in the water. I will never forget that feeling for as long as I live. Cooling off in the water and looking at the waterfall, all I could think about was that I had almost missed this. I came so close to not having this experience. My heart was filled with great peace and gratitude for the moment.
What is it about the fear that seems to paralyze us? We can be so excited about an activity, an event, or a job, and yet we become immobile to make a move. Or we tell lies to ourselves like we didn’t want it, it isn’t the right time, it isn’t important, or my favorite, I wouldn’t have gotten the job anyway. Most of us have always lived with a certain amount of fear. I have been told by friends that the moment you become a parent, you become very familiar with and comfortable with fear. It’s like that family friend that you told could come and stay with you for a couple of weeks while they looked for a place and they never left. After one month, you had every intention of telling them to leave, but the longer they were there, the more you began to count on them to help out with little things around the house, and before you know it, five years have passed. But with everything that has happened in this last year, I believe some of us are living with even more fear. For a myriad of reasons, but mostly because of an unknown global pandemic that has killed more than 480,000 Americans.
I recently heard about an article where researchers discussed the correlation between fear of the pandemic and people who are living with cancer or in remission from cancer. The researchers made the argument that all of us living with this pandemic now understand what it’s like to live in fear, as cancer patients and those in remission have had to do for years. We now must all acknowledge the unknown and acknowledge that we are not in control of much. Although with both, there are things we can do to minimize the fear, ultimately the fear of living with cancer and living during a time of a deadly pandemic has similarities. And yet, the irony is living with the undercurrent of fear is not healthy for any of us.
For me, living in fear is a double-edged sword. On one hand, you’re unfulfilled with the status quo, but on the other hand, you are afraid to go after something better. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when fear is good. It is a normal emotion that signals potential threats to your physical or emotional safety. But the problem arises when you allow the fear to take over your life. When you aren’t able to truly live your life fully because you’re afraid of taking a chance. I recognize that there are those who have serious, sometimes debilitating, anxiety and fear that require professional help. This blog is not about them. I’m talking about those of us who may find it easier to live a comfortable, predictable life because we are too afraid to go after what we really want. And I place myself in that category as well. I have at times taken the safe route, for fear of rejection, failure, or even success. I have a friend who decided after being divorced for several years, that she was ready to be in a relationship again. She went out to events, joined dating apps, and went on blind dates. Some of her experiences weren’t the best, but she continued to put herself out there and continued to go after what she wanted. And now, she is happily married. I am in such awe of her. She didn’t let her fear of who she would meet, rejection, or anything else stand in the way of her happiness.
My mother was a fear warrior. The things she overcame in her life astound me to this day. Divorcing with four young children and receiving her bachelor’s degree in nursing, all while working and caring for four young children is no small feat. I know there were times that fear reared its ugly head trying to get her to take the safe route, telling her she couldn’t do it alone, or she would fail. But she kept walking. My mother was great at giving advice. The best advice she ever gave me was about fear. She said I should always ask myself what is the worst that could happen by making a certain decision. Typically, our mind plays tricks on us and we think the sky will fall if we make a wrong decision. But if you truly think about the worse possible scenario, it usually isn’t all that bad. And then my mother would tell me, “I don’t care if you decide not to do something. But just make sure the reason you are saying no or not doing something, isn’t because of fear”. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have thought of that advice and how it has guided so many of my decisions. And although some of my yeses ended with pain or disappointment, I still gained valuable insight and a sense of accomplishment just from trying.