My favorite quote of all time is by Gail Blanke from her book In My Wildest Dreams. In discussing women pursuing their dreams, she contemplates why women so often believe that their pleasure, and the pleasure of their loved ones, are two different things. She continues by saying (paraphrasing), the greatest gift you can give anyone, especially your children, is to be living the life of your dreams. That’s what gives them permission to do the same.
My mother once told me that her dream was to be an investigative reporter for a newspaper. She loved to write and wrote children’s stories and poems. But her true love was to write for a newspaper. However, she found herself married, on the brink of divorce, with four young children. She knew she was going to have to provide for those four children as a single parent. In her mind, her dream of becoming a writer had to be placed on the back burner and she proceeded to go to college and receive a bachelor’s degree in nursing, knowing it would pay more and allow her to provide for her children. When she told me this story, she said it very matter-of-factly. There was no sadness or regret in her voice, just a calm factual statement. I asked her if it made her sad that she was never a newspaper reporter and she responded by saying, no, she did what she had to do. I remember feeling very sad for my mother. I had read her children’s stories and poems and knew she was a talented writer. It made me sad that she had to give up the one thing that brought her joy because of me (and my siblings). Knowing my mother, I know she would have said that we brought her joy and there was no comparison. And I know we did bring her joy and she had other joys in her life, but what if she had been able to do what she truly loved? How would that have made her a different parent? Seeing our mother do what she loved, would it have made us, as her children, do things differently in our lives?
I know many people with the belief that once one has children, they become your first priority; all other wants and dreams you have got to put on hold in order to love and care for your children. Their needs come before yours. Allow me to place an asterisk on that belief. Some of you may think I don’t have a say on this subject since I have no children of my own. However, that doesn’t stop me from having an opinion and I would encourage those who think my opinion is wrong, to please discuss it in the comments section below.
I believe the young women emerging now, as opposed to women who were married in my mother’s generation, are more committed than ever to not losing their individuality when they get married. I’ve had conversations with young women adamant in their belief about the importance of maintaining their career and not wanting to be labeled as “just Mrs. ______” (you fill in the blank). However, for some, something seems to happen once a child is brought into the family. Dreams and passions tend to be placed on hold while care is given to the child and before you know it, you’re saying things like, “I’ll do ______ (fill in the blank) once the kids get older”, or “once the kids are out of school”, or “once the kids leave the house”. And all too soon, life has passed us by and we’re wondering where the time went. Too often, we think it’s too late. We’re too old, too set in our ways, too _______ (you fill in the blank).
Stories like my mother’s happen all the time. It happens for fathers too. Years ago, when I was in-between jobs, I was a temp at UPS. I helped them schedule deliveries during the Christmas season. I was the only female in a room full of men. It was my favorite temp job. Not for the reasons you may think; but men around other men talk A LOT! They hold nothing back and it took them no time at all to forget that a woman was in the room. And I, being the curious person that I am, encouraged them to talk and tell me stories about their lives. It amazed me how many of those men were unhappy in their job. Most shared that they stumbled into an entry-level position and continued to get promoted. All too soon, they believed they were stuck because they were making good money and had a family to support. They couldn’t just quit to follow a dream or do what they truly loved – especially if what they truly loved didn’t pay as much as what they were currently making. They had mortgages and tuition fees to pay. Plus, they added, it would be selfish of them to do that to their wives.
Believe me, I get it. When one makes the decision to have children, it becomes about them and their needs. But if we aren’t living our dream, how will our kids know it’s okay for them to live theirs? Because we tell them? Do we want our kids to settle for that job they stumbled upon, or do we want them to go after what brings them passion and makes them feel alive? And if your dream is to raise children, then that is great and what I’m saying may not pertain to you. But all too often, somewhere deep in our souls, even if we always wanted a family and children, we also had another dream. Something we wanted to do if money, time, and obligations weren’t a factor.
If that is you, my challenge to you would be to start taking baby steps now. In Gail Blanke’s book, she tells a story of a woman who always wanted to be an oncologist. However, she met her husband, had three children, and enrolling in medical school with three young children was not an option for her family. The mother was ready to give up on her dream. Gail encouraged her to think of action items she could take now to keep her dream alive until she was able to focus more time on her dream. She could volunteer in a hospital in the oncology unit. She could take a night class or online class per semester, or as her schedule allowed. Upon reading this in Gail’s book, I began to think about my dreams. Deep in my soul, I always wanted to write a book but told myself I wasn’t a good writer, I didn’t know what to write about, or I wasn’t creative. I gave up my dream. I recently found Gail’s book in a storage container and re-read it. I still don’t know if I have a book in me, but I thought there are some action steps I can take now to write and see where it leads. And Voice at the Table Blogs was created. The point is – if you have a passion, go after it! Due to a myriad of daily obligations, it may take us a little longer, but if you take small steps towards that goal, then you will still have a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment. It’s never too late. And most importantly, we are unknowingly showing our children what it means to follow our dreams. The journey we have to sometimes take may be bumpy, but if it’s important to you, then it’s definitely worth it.