One of the definitions of the word triggered in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is: caused to feel an intense and usually negative emotional reaction or, occurring in response to a stimulus typically perceived as negative or harmful. There are situations and even words that can trigger a memory for us. During my work in early learning education, I’ve attended trainings in the concept of Conscious Discipline and one of the things that is taught to the teachers is how to appropriately respond when a child unknowingly does or says something that is a “trigger” for us. Most times we don’t even realize that what a two-year-old does or says may trigger a harmful memory for us. We also don’t realize that we may say or do something that triggers a reaction from the two-year-old. But it does happen. This is why the Conscious Discipline training is so important – it not only reminds us that these triggers can happen even in the youngest of humans, but it also provides critical information on how we respond when we are triggered or a child in our care is triggered.
With everything that has been happening locally and nationally, I recently watched an online discussion panel talk about From Resistance to Resilience. The initial discussion centered on trauma and its effect on Black people and us as a society. When most of us think about trauma, we think that a major event has to happen in order for someone to experience trauma (i.e., war, rape, etc.). However, trauma is broadly defined as the result of an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that an individual experiences as harmful or threatening that can have lasting adverse effects on that individual’s physical, social, and emotional well-being and functioning. Events or circumstances can be either physical or emotional (Missouri Department of Mental Health). One of the panelists discussed how trauma had recently entered her home with her daughter in an unexpected way. Her daughter is a dark-skinned Black girl attending high school in a predominately white school district and school. The panelist described how her daughter came home from school one day and asked her, “Why don’t the Black boys like me?”
Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. Unbeknownst to me, this was a trigger for me. Listening to this panelist talk about the hurt and insecurity her daughter felt by not feeling attractive enough for Black boys in her school brought up many memories for me, as I had gone through this same series of insecurities during my time in high school and in college. You see I too, attended a predominately white high school.
But let me first back up a little. For those of you reading who may not know, let me give you a brief glimpse into Colorism – prejudicial or preferential treatment of same-race people based solely on their color. For centuries, light-skin preference has been common practice in the Black community and has roots in slavery when some slave owners raped their female slaves and created light-skinned offspring. While slave owners didn’t officially recognize these children, they gave them privileges, allowing those with light skin to work inside the house while their dark-skinned counterparts worked outside in the fields. The privilege was given to those who had lighter skin, light eyes, and long hair (for females). For generations, there has been this narrative within the Black community about who is prettier based on skin tone and/or who has “better hair” (meaning length and texture). So much so that I have a vivid memory when I was a young child. My sister and I had long, thick hair that we wore in pigtails. It never failed that when we went out in public, someone commented on our hair – touching it, smiling, and saying things like “You got that good hair!” On this particular day, it seems like everyone we came into contact with commented on our hair. I think my mother had had enough and after one lady left, my mother leaned over and pointed her finger in my face and said, “Don’t listen to them! Your hair is no better than anyone else’s and don’t you ever think you are any better than anyone else!” At the time, I didn’t understand why my mother was so upset. We didn’t do or say anything but just nodded. Of course, as I got older, I understood. I had friends who were darker-skinned than me and who had been told they were pretty…for a Black girl. As for me, I was always greeted by a comment about my hair.
It may seem superficial, but this is traumatic for young, Black girls. During your most formative years, your beauty is based on the darkness of your skin tone or the texture of your hair, not the compassion in your heart or the kindness in your soul. And although your family tells you you’re beautiful, society is telling you that you are only if light-skinned, with long hair, and light eyes. And if you happen to attend a predominately white school, the Black boys are unknowingly reiterating it when they date only the white girls and the white boys are dating the white girls too. It becomes a narrative in the Black girls’ minds that they are not pretty enough or good enough. And that can linger on into adulthood.
As I’ve gotten older, I now realize that my beauty is not based on the color of my skin, my hair, or my size. However, for too many years, I defined my worthiness on whether or not some guy thought I was attractive. As friends continued to get married and I remained single, the narrative that something was wrong with me continued to roll around in my head. I told myself that I was smart, educated, and successful in my work and that was enough. But I was silently asking myself, “Why don’t the men like me?” Hearing the panelist say her daughter was asking the same questions I had asked myself for far too many years broke my heart. It triggered the younger, insecure me in a way that I thought I had overcome. Our young people, especially young girls, must not place their value on others’ definition of beauty. We must continue to lift them up and speak first about one’s kind heart, giving nature, and the love of others as the cornerstone of beauty. We must continue to share with them that they are loved – exactly as they are – by God and by their family. We must continue to encourage our girls to participate in sports, extra-curricular activities, and volunteer opportunities so that they feel strong and self-confident. And we must continue to communicate with them and tell them every day they are beautiful, even if others don’t notice. We must continue to communicate to our girls that although young boys may not yet notice their beauty, this is their time to develop and grow and learn to be their best selves. Because when the boys finally catch up with them, they will want to choose one that has the qualities she values and who finds beauty in life and service and not skin-tone or hair.