There is a reason why people say patience is a virtue. I believe waiting is the hardest thing to do. I don’t think the actual waiting is difficult, I believe what sometimes happens to your mind while you wait is what can make it detrimental to the soul. How much time of our life is waiting? I’m sure it’s different for each person, but it seems as if we are always waiting for something: waiting to reach the double digits in age; waiting to turn 16 so we can drive; waiting to graduate high school, then college; waiting to turn 21 for so many reasons; waiting to meet that special someone; waiting for a child. Those are just some of the major moments, but there are hundreds of other moments throughout our lives where all we do is wait.
Like most people, I’ve had sad times in my life. I’ve also had times when I didn’t make the best choice and had to live with the consequences of my actions. I hated each and every one of those times, and the waiting while muddling through it all was difficult, but I made it. However, if I’m honest, there was one time in my life when I wasn’t sure my soul was going to recover. I look back on that time now and think, it wasn’t so bad. It just shows how much growth can happen in times of distress – the fact that I now look at that period of my life as not so bad when at the time I believed I was on the brink of a real spiritual collapse is mind-blowing to me.
The year was 2010. My mother had died just two years earlier. This was my first major challenge without her. After working in a job that I absolutely loved, I was laid off. Initially, I wasn’t too concerned. I knew it was coming and was actually surprised that I was kept on board for as long as I was. I was close to receiving my Master’s degree, so I thought I would quickly find another job and move on. I had money in a savings account that I believed would hold me over until I found my next dream job. Three months turned into six months and before I knew it, one year later I still had no job and no prospect of a job. Being rejected over a period of a year is brutal. Being denied interviews when you know you can do the job crushes not only your self-esteem but your self-confidence. After one year of hearing “no” repeatedly, you begin to doubt your capabilities. And on top of all of that rejection, you’re struggling to just pay your basic bills. I became a wiz at paying the bare minimum and/or waiting until the very last minute – before utilities were going to be shut off. I also became an Oscar-winning actress for hiding my stress. I smiled and told friends and family I was fine, when in fact I was slowly dying inside a little more each day.
One year turned into 18 months, and the bottom fell out. I had to move out of my house and in with my sister. Not only had I still been receiving rejection letters, but I couldn’t pay for my house, my car, or utilities. The money I had saved ran out months earlier and I couldn’t even find temp jobs. It felt like I had a sign on my forehead that said, “DO NOT HELP”. Everyone kept telling me things would change, but I began to doubt and think that I had done something to make God very angry with me because, to me, He was not only nowhere around, but He was not helping me at all. And then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, two days after Christmas, my car was repossessed. My car. The only thing in my mind I had left after losing my house. The one thing I had that showed I was still independent and not reliant on anyone else. How would I get a job if I ever got one? I had no money to get another car and definitely no good credit. It was as if someone had just let the air out of a tire – I was deflated. Numb. I couldn’t believe this was my life.
I remember the night they took my car like it was yesterday. I went into “my bedroom” in my sister’s house and sobbed. Gut-wrenching sobs. I felt so lost and alone. And as a person who prides herself on having a plan, I had nothing. No plan, no ideas, no options, no hope. I remember talking to God through my tears – I didn’t ask for a job or my car or a place to live. I asked for my soul back. You see, I was at a breaking point that I never thought I would be. All my life, regardless of the difficulty, I had been able to turn to God, family, and friends and things would work out. This time it seemed as if everyone had turned away from me. And I was in serious jeopardy of losing my soul – the piece of me that made me love, trust, and have faith.
For two days I stayed in my bedroom, taking turns between crying and lamenting to God. At this point, it had been two years and I still had nothing and no prospects of anything anytime soon. And in the midst of my lamenting, I stopped. It had been two years? I’d been without a job for two years? I’d been without a job for two years! How had two years gone by? How was I still standing? How was I able to make it two years without a job? And it was as if God heard all my questions because I immediately knew the answers. I was able to make it because I was not alone – far from it.
During those two years, I had plenty of help. When I was frustrated with waiting, I had an old friend contact me out of the blue and sent me a sermon he had just preached on, of all topics, waiting. He defined waiting as the space between God’s promises and God’s provision. I thought of that a lot during those two years. I had family and my two best friends who gave me money, unknowingly, when I needed it the most. I had a woman from my church who called me regularly and would take me to lunch “just to get me out of the house”. I had another friend who offered me a consultant job to write a grant soon after my car was repossessed. To this day, I never told her my car was repossessed, but funds from that consulting job allowed me to get my car back within one week of it being repossessed. And I had a group of women from my church that I met with every Monday night for a Beth Moore Bible/Book study. To this day I don’t know if those women know what the time spent with them during such a difficult time in my life did for me. Their love, concern, and presence were a lifeline I desperately needed. And their reminder to me each week that I was not alone was something I had forgotten during my lamenting but soon remembered.
You see, what I came to realize in those two years without a job is that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I have an awesome support system – I have family and friends who care about me and will love and support me whether I’m gainfully employed or not. I have talent that I can use at a moment’s notice. And I have a God that loves me and is with me even after I’ve yelled at him.
Waiting is a natural part of life. There are times that it will be the hardest thing we go through. But I believe what we do in that space will reveal our true character. Do we want to spend it angry, self-absorbed, and allow it to control our very being? Or do we want to use that time to gain strength, possibly journey in a different direction, and learn the inevitable lessons? Sometimes we need to sit still in the moment – take in life as it marches forward while we wait. Yes, waiting is difficult. The thoughts that go through your head while you wait are more difficult. However, the one thing that can drown out those thoughts is connectedness. Connecting to voices from other people who will support you, help you, pray for you, and love you. “But those that wait…will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint”. (Isaiah 40:31)